I know, that title sort of jumps out at you in an utterly ridiculous way. Still, like “The Pertenders”, I gotta have some of your attention, give it to me. The wife and I are zombie fans, she also likes vampires and where wolves. She likes the Underworld and Twilight series but I prefer horror movies like Alien and Phamtasm. The first Zombie movie I finally coaxed her into watching was the Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Shaun of the dead! My first exposure to the film happened at our friends, Bob and Karen’s house. Bob is not a horror fan and left the group to play on-line poker. Susanne, not being a zombie fan took our dogs home and bib me enjoy your undead carnage with Karen, she would see me at home later.
Now Karen and I are both devoted fans of Stephen King, Dean R Coontz and Clive Barker. We trade books often and spend hours discussing the plot points of the books we’ve read. If I have an unknown sister, it is Karen. I was delighted to spend the remainder of the evening watching a British horror/ comedy with her. Being Bruce Campbell fans of the Evil Dead series we settled in to see what the “limeys” had to offer the genre. To this day Shaun of the Dead is a movie I will watch whenever I happen to stumble across it until the end. We ate popcorn, belly laughed many times and came away with a renewed appreciation for zombie films.
Despite the high ratio of comedy to gore, it took me almost two years to get my wife to watch this gem. Eventually through much prodding and pressure I convinced her that she should give it a try. “Five minutes, if you hate it, we’ll shut it down.” Two bowls of popcorn later as the credits rolled she looked at me and asked, “What’s next?”
Evil Dead was the next go to. Campy, funny and in all respects “over the top”. She liked it. Zombies were now acceptable viewing. I know, you’re thinking that’s a win for me. That’s where you’d be mistaken. I love zombie comedy movies but America was experiencing a zombie apocalypse renaissance. While I didn’t have a problem with Zombieland or the New Zealand film Black Sheep, I was a bit skittish about offerings like World War Z and AMC’s, The Walking Dead. Now with the shoe on the other foot, it was her telling me to give these titles a chance. I put my big boy pants on, covered one eye and sat through everything we could bring up on Amazon and Netflix. We’d settled on a genre we both enjoyed. I Zombie, the Santa Clarita Diet. Pun intended, we were eating that shit up!
So this morning, while I’m up at the crack of dawn, I decide to google Zombie Goats. I love to google the ridiculous. Most of the time I’m disappointed. Not today. Although the content is meager there are some really disturbing pics form a goat simulator video game. Technically, the goat becomes demon possessed, not exactly the same as a zombie but someone worked hard on the animation and removed from context, before my eyes, was a zombie goat. Skin peeling, bloody horns and vacant eyes on a creature that could be considered vegan before the transition, now a brain and flesh hungry savage, bent on devouring every living thing in its path. It’s ludicrous, a ruminant wouldn’t have the biological systems to process a diet of brain and bone and flesh. My goats won’t even eat some of their favorite treats if it’s not completely free of contamination like sweat or saliva. If I take a bite of a granola bar, I might as well eat the whole thing. As far as the goats are concerned, it’s contaminated.
There’s an exception to every rule. I have three goats that for some reason like to chew on my fingers. I’m very careful not to let them get my fingernail back to their grinding pallet. There’s some sharp shit coupled with tremendous jaw strength that will pop your fingernail off like a bottle cap if you’re not careful. Then you have a goat wretching because they now find you distasteful for leaking your nasty blood into their poor vegetarian system. Still, with the three mentioned, I wonder if they wouldn’t eat me should hay and pellets become scarce. Clive peers at me like he’s trying to decide which wine I’d be best paired with. It’s frightening and the reason I googled Goat Zombies.
I imagine that should a zombie apocalypse ever take place that it would be humans that would be affected. I’m prepared for that. I’ve got water, chickens, goats, big garden and I’m miles away from heavily populated areas. I have ways to defend myself and our property. I’m golden unless more than people are infected with whatever the hell turns you into a zombie. What if instead, humans remain immune and animals, like goats and chickens become the monsters? Quite plainly, you’ll find my bleached skeleton somewhere in the goat pen.